Praying for Love
by Ryuuen Chou
Summary: Malik envies the lives the other hikaris lead with their yamis, and reveals some facts of his relationship with his yami, Mariku. (shounen-ai, language, mature/dark themes, yaoi)


Praying for Love  
By Ryuuen  
  
Warnings: Shounen-ai, dark themes, language, mature themes. Rated R.  
  
A/N: Yeah.. depressing Malik fic. Poor Malik. His yami is so mean. I just had to give him a moment or six to vent. Lyrics are from Satou Akemi's "Moonless Night".  
~"The rain is sad. Everything is sad. I wish that happiness would come. That is my eternal prayer." -- It's Too Late, by WeiB~  
PRAYING FOR LOVE  
-----------------------------  
  
~"A long time ago, they used to believe that within a beautiful person dwells an evil heart. In secret, and then cold-heartedly, the tragedy happens night after night."~  
  
Don't snap at me like that.  
I wasn't staring at you. I wasn't. Was I?  
Maybe I was.  
  
I envy you, you know. I envy all of you. Ryou and Yugi, you two especially. You both have yamis who like you, even love you. Yugi, your yami is the best of all, loyal and kind. Ryou, your yami is cold but protective, he'd never let anything happen to you. I wish my yami were like that. You take it for granted that your yamis don't beat on you, that they don't torture your mind whenever they're bored. At least Bakura didn't do that for long, he stopped.. Mariku will never stop. We share a body, he says, we share all. He wants me to become crazy like he is.  
  
You two... you don't know what you have... do you?  
  
~"The hand of an evil power seeks the scent of young, unsullied blood."~  
  
Your lives aren't governed by the emotions of an unstable creature like Mariku. Your actions aren't dictated by what he wants you to do, or wants you not to do. You don't get fucked raw whenever he feels like it, wherever he feels like it. Beaten whenever he feels like coming out of the soul room and looking you in the eyes. Of course, he can assume his own physical form, I think most yamis can. He looks a lot like me, and that scares me. Have you ever been frightened like that? Of course not. Your yamis aren't the kind to be afraid of, not like Mariku... not like him at all.  
  
Sometimes he cuts me and tastes my blood. He likes the taste, I think. It pleases him. I'm glad that he does, because usually after that he'll leave me alone. Sometimes he lets me taste his blood. I don't think I like it as much as he likes mine. I don't think I like it at all, but lately I'm not sure what I like and dislike anymore.  
  
You don't know how lucky you are, Ryou.. Yugi.. you two will never feel this pain. I thought getting that gods-awful tattoo on my back was bad enough, living with my father was bad enough, but Mariku is even worse. He gives me pain that you couldn't believe. He hurts my heart.  
  
You don't understand, do you? Of course you don't. You're both pure.  
  
~"In the midst of cruel pleasure, it grows drunk with it's victim's blood. To keep it's eternal beauty, the tragedy happens night after night."~  
  
I envy you your normal lives. Your brotherly relationships. Your kind friends. I envy you coming home to someone waiting for you with kindness and not pain. I envy you being able to smile happily without forcing yourself. I envy your lives... all the things you take for granted. I wish I had that.  
  
I wish I had someone to come home to. I wish I had someone to confide in who knew my pain. I wish I could smile happily without forcing myself. I wish I didn't have such a face to show to everyone, teachers and students, while I wear long sleeves to hide the scars that Mariku gives me. I wish I could just live a normal life with my sister, Isis, and have friends and go to school and play Duel Monsters without his voice in the back of my head telling me to find the God Cards, find them soon, tell Rishid to send out Arcana to find the, send out someone else, make sure they don't fail.  
  
You don't see it like I do. If you did, I doubt you would hunt me. I wish you would help me.  
  
~"Please be careful, on a moonless night. Wooo..."~  
  
Sometimes it doesn't seem so bad. Sometimes I'm optimistic, 'it can only get better from here!' I'll think, but he always drives me down again. Sometimes I consider suicide, but I know that Bakura, at least, would never forgive me. He's the only friend I've ever had. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that.  
  
You guys... you should be careful. Mariku is crazy, totally insane.. and I have a feeling that I'm beginning to follow that train. I don't.. I don't want to live if I'm crazy. I hope Bakura, or Isis, or someone, can help me, save me from myself.. from Mariku. I can't live like this anymore. Bruised and corrupted and violated. I wish someone would save me...  
  
The only relief I get is at school. I look forward to it, and dread the weekends. Mariku won't hurt me at school, he can't. He wouldn't get away with it, and he knows it. That's all, though.  
  
I've become... dark, haven't I? He took away all the innocence I had left, didn't he?  
  
~"Boundless, and distant... a barren wilderness, the wind blowing, a castle towering on a hill, talked about by the people."~  
  
I guess it would surprise you to know that I don't hate Mariku. He was created from myself, from my own hatred, so how can I hate him? He's part of me. I hate myself, but I can't seem to find hatred for Mariku. Only pity, that he would be the representation of all of my pain, all of my suffering. 'No wonder he hurts me,' I think, even though I know that can't be right. There is no good enough reason for him to do this to me, I know you'll think when you read this, but I don't know. Sometimes I blame him. Sometimes I blame myself.  
  
I used to at least have Isis to rely on. My sister. My only link back to the old me. But now she, too, has left my side, and the only person I have left is Bakura. For that faith, I thank him. He may never know how much that means to me, especially now. Isis hates me, she hunts me to stop me, not knowing or not caring that it is Mariku, not me, who does these terrible deeds. All I have left is Bakura and Rishid. Rishid is loyal, he is my brother in all but blood, and the same goes for Bakura. My only friends in the world. The only people I can love anymore.  
  
I wish I could find it within myself to love...  
  
~"Don't ever get close, or you will never return."~  
  
I envy you, yes... at least now you may know why.  
  
I think I'm crying now.  
Am I crying?  
It's been too long to know.  
  
I think I am.  
  
~"In secret, and then cold-heartedly, the curtain fell on the tragedy. (Tremble...) Sleep well..."~  
~owari~ 


End file.
